before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
