I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
