Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
