The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
