i love accidental penises.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
