Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
