genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
