I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
