If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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