I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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