I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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