just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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