My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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