imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
