At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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