Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
