I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
