She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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