I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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