Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
