i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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