remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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