i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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