apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
