i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
