i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
