I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
