I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Still dying that you shit outside
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
