I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
