Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
