I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
