When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
