Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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