I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
