i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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