Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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