if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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