I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
