I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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