There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
