Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
