I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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