May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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