I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
