is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
