Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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