my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He better not be in your backpack
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
