im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You smell like stripper and shame
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
