I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
