dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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